Best Case Scenario for the Canuck fans in the playoff series against the Blackhawks:
Game 1 highlights:
1) Henrik and Daniel Sedin pass back and forth to each other so much on one goal that they score, the stat sheet reads “Sedin 6th goal, assisted by Sedin and Sedin”
2) Luongo makes 101 saves through three periods, even making one save with his thick, curly hair after his helmet gets knocked off by Dustin Bfugly-alien. Canucks end up winning 19-0 with Andrew Alberts getting three hat tricks, one in each period.
Game 2 highlights:
1) The famous pipe organ in the United Center breaks during the team warm-up and the largest piece manages to hurtle to the ice and stab Jonathan Toews in his foot. Toews becomes the first player to have his injury report read: “Toews, Chicago Blackhawks, 5-7 weeks, foot injury due to organ.”
2) Sami Salo becomes the first player to score twice in less than one second… from his own goal line.
3) Not to be outdone, Luongo scores a hat trick with the third one coming on an end to end rush, burning Brian Campbell with a Savardian spin-o-rama at the red line. Of course, Brian Campbell gets a C7 vertebrae injury from being twisted up like a pretzel.
4) The Vancouver Canucks win 16-0, becoming the first team to score, 4 short-handed goals and 4 power play goals in one game, along with being the first team ever to hold a home-team to zero shots.
5) Two shut-outs in a row means all Vancouver Canuck fans do not have to suffer through that damn Chelsea Dagger song.
Game 3 highlights:
1) The portly opera guy retires his opening anthem shtick for one game.
2) Every Vancouver fan in attendance gets a free Canucks jersey signed by every single Canuck that has been associated with the team. Yes, that even means you, John Vanbiesbrouck.
3) The Blackhawks end up pulling Nitwit-tunamaki, their goalie in the second period after realizing, “Why bother with a goalie if the opposing team has scored 16 goals on 6 shots?” That was not a typo. Yes, 16 goals on SIX shots.
4) Ryan Kesler gets in a fight with Andrew Ladd, which ends with Ladd openly weeping on national TV in the penalty box and mouthing, “No mas.”
5) After Mikhail Samuelsson becomes the first player ever with 10 goals in one game, he even manages to repair the rift between his fellow Swede, Elin Norgren and golfer extraordinaire, Tiger Woods. “Elin, 120 or 121 mistresses, haven’t we all lost count by now? Forgive Tiger. Look at me, I have forgiven Sweden.”
6) After a final score of 22-0, Brent Seabrook can no longer take the abuse and decides to let off some steam by going to Splashdown Park in his hometown of Tsawwassen on his off day. Seabrook promptly suffers a concussion after getting thrown clear out of the “Whipper Snapper”. You know which ride I am talking about… the one which finished with those three bumps at the end of the slide.
Game 4 highlights:
1) Surprisingly, Patrick Kane is a game time scratch as he has a mysterious illness. There is a high correlation between his illness and the photos released from his antics the previous night at Go Bananas, the one located on 200th Street in Langley. Joel Quenneville can only shake his head at how his “No Roxy” edict actually backfires. Quenneville proceeds to lose half of his beautiful mustache after it catches fire while smoking to relieve his stress.
2) Coach Vigneault wanting to give some players a rest with a commanding 3-0 lead, convinces Trevor Linden to unretire for this game. The crowd goes bananas (a little wink towards Kane’s situation) as Linden’s #16 is brought down from the rafters before the anthem. Linden rewards Coach V’s faith with a performance for the ages→ scoring 16 times, blocking 16 shots, winning 16 faceoffs, and getting it all done in an efficient 16 minutes through two periods. Linden then goes into net, with his player’s gear, and ends up making 16 saves in the third period. At least 16 Canucks fans cry, overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment.
3) Brent Sopel shows his true allegiance for the Canucks by roofing three goals himself on Cristobal Huet.
4) The Canucks end up winning game 4, 159-0, becoming the first NHL team ever to post a higher score than their respective NBA team. Go Grizzlies! Sedins end up both doubling Wayne Gretzky’s 1985 record of 47 points in one playoff year. Canucks advance straight into the Stanley Cup finals due to the sudden plight of the Red Wings and Sharks coming down with a weird strain of the Avian flu, which requires both teams to be quarantined for one month.
5) As Gary Bettman hands over the Campbell Conference Trophy, he announces that he will be stepping down that night, but not before contracting the franchises of Tampa Bay, Florida, and Phoenix. Bettman awards the Canucks with the first ten picks of the dispersal draft in June. The Blackhawks drained from the emotional and physical thrashing they endured over the four games announce that they will all be retiring and focusing on a safer and more gentle sport like curling. And oh yeah, while we are it, Vanoc finds a ton of money hiding in a box at John Furlong’s house, which pays off the entire debt of the 2010 Winter Olympics.
Worst Case Scenario for the Canuck fans in the playoff series against the Blackhawks:
The Vancouver Canucks lose the series to the Chicago Blackhawks.
